What if church were different? What if we had deep instead of surface relationships? 

Relationships have always been important because we are relational beings made in the image of the relational triune God. Yet, sadly, people are more relationally disconnected than ever—honestly, likely more relationally disconnected than at any other point in history. 

Various studies bear out the problems of our epidemic of loneliness and isolation. “All Americans (both young adults and older adults) have fewer social relationships than their parents and grandparents did.”[1] Yet, Vivek H. Murthy, the United States Surgeon General, has said, “People with strong social relationships are 50 percent less likely to die prematurely than people with weak social relationships… weak social connections can be a significant danger to our health.” 

A study by the Surgeon General’s Advisory team, titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” found that loneliness is prevalent today and surprisingly harmful. It is “associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”[3]

Murthy points out that “Social connection stands out as a largely unrecognized and underappreciated force for addressing many of the critical problems we’re dealing with, both as individuals and as a society. Overcoming loneliness and building a more connected future is an urgent mission that we can and must tackle together.”[4] This is an opportunity and exhortation to the Church. 

Relationships are important. As the Cheers theme song says: 

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Relationship, strangely, is something that the church seems to have forgotten about. It’s something, however, that Starbucks and Alcoholics Anonymous have picked up on. 

The thing that kept me sober until I got a grip on honesty was the love in the room of Alcoholics Anonymous. I made some friends for the first time in my life. Real friends that cared, even when I was broke and feeling desperate.

The body of Christ should be more affectionate and welcoming than any A.A. meeting or coffee shop.[5] 

Secular research tells us we need each other. Experience tells us we need each other. The Bible tells us we need each other. We need each other![6] The secular world in many ways has seen this and the Bible has long since told us. It reminds us that a cord of three strands is not easily broken (Eccl. 4:12). We need the body of Christ to be the body of Christ. We need vital connection, not mere contact. 

Many “one another” passages can only be carried out in small familiar settings. A small, simple church allows the benefit of practicing all the various aspects of life together. It gives us a setting to honor one another (Rom. 12:10), accept one another (Rom. 15:7), bear with one another (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:13), forgive one another (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13), pray for and confess sins to one another (James 5:16), cheer and challenge one another (Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25), admonish and confront one another (Rom. 15:14; Col. 3:16; Gal. 6:1-6), warn one another (1 Thess. 5:14), teach one another (Col. 3:16), be real and honest with one another (Gal. 5:15; Rom. 12:9), bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), share possessions with one another (Acts 4:32; Gal. 6:10), and submit to one another (Eph. 5:21).[7] 

We need actual relationships instead of handshakes. It is vital and commanded that Christians practice the “one another” passages. Perseverance is a community endeavor. It is imperative for people’s health and the health of the church that people are connected, vitally connected, not merely attending. “Going to church” is not biblical, being the church is. 

In order to cultivate deep relationships, what if we had real food and fellowship instead of a handshake? Churches often have a time where you shake people’s hands and say, “Hi.” But, week after week, it becomes an empty expression when nothing more results. Empty platitudes are empty. What if we go to the early church model, and have a meal together every week (Acts 2:46; 20:11; 1 Cor. 11:20-34; Jude 12)?[8] 

What if the church leaned into loving relationships and invested time and money to help relationships form? “The church may never outperform TV shows and music videos, but there is nothing like the community life of the church. There is nowhere else where diverse people come together in the same way. There is nowhere else where broken people find a home. There is nowhere else where grace is experienced and God is present by his Spirit.”[9]

What if we practiced hospitality instead of hiding? One of the qualifications for pastors is that they “be hospitable” (1 Tim. 3:2). Pastors were known and knew people, they didn’t hide. And they set the expectations for the rest of the church body. “Some theologians go so far as to state that the growth in the earliest churches was wholly dependent on the meals and hospitality of the believers.”[10] It is imperative for the church’s witness and health that we move from handshakes to heartfelt relationships.

Notes

[1] Allen, Lawton, and Seibel, Intergenerational Christian Formation, 54.

[2] Murthy, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, 13. “Religious communities offer not only social support but also purpose, hope, and meaning” and it has been found that religious community is more beneficial for preventing suicide and mortality than other forms of social support (Tyler J. VanderWeele, “Deaths of Despair and the Role of Religion”). 

[3] Office of the Surgeon General, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, 4. “The lack of social connection poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.* In addition, poor or insufficient social connection is associated with increased risk of disease, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke. Furthermore, it is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, and dementia. Additionally, the lack of social connection may increase susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illness” (Ibid., 8).

[4] Murthy, Together, xxvi.

[5] In passages like Philippians 2:25-26 and 1 Thessalonians 3:6-13, we read about the authentic relationships of the church and the concern that the church had for one another. Paul says that Epaphroditus has been longing for the Philippian church, and the Philippian church was distressed because they heard he was sick. They had the opposite of social isolation, they had social affirmation; instead of loneliness, they had a family of love. 

[6] “While relationships with others are something we do, it is also true that relationships are what we are. We are what our history of relationships has built into us. We need social relationships like the body needs oxygen, but also like stone needs a sculptor to become a work of art (good or bad). We cannot become healthy adult persons without relationships. To flourish and to mature into persons of wisdom and Christian virtue, we need the shaping that comes with the best sorts of human relationships… Whatever we become or are becoming is a matter of both us and others – our actions and others’ responses, and our responses to others’ actions” (Brown, Warren S.; Strawn, Brad D., The Physical Nature of Christian Life (Cambridge University Press: Kindle Edition, 2012), 72-73). 

[7] Also, remember, the book of Hebrews says to consider, that is, think about how to stir, spur, or motivate one another toward love and good works (Heb. 10:24). A “spur” is “a pointed device or sharp spiked wheel fixed to the heel of a rider’s boot to enable him to urge his horse on.” We are supposed to serve as a spur in one another’s lives. We are to be a goad. We are to incite action. We are to be a stimulus for change. We are to give incentive, inducement, and provocation. We are supposed to provoke, stimulate, impel, and inspire each other. This happens best in small relational settings where people are actually known. Most churches realize that “transformation happens best in community,” if that’s the case, why not capitalize on community contexts‽ Romans 14:19 says “Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” Scripture exhorts us to intentionally pursue mutual upbuilding. Paul tells Timothy to “flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22). Is Timothy supposed to do this all by himself? No! It says “Along with those…” From the above verses, and many we did not look at, we see the practical, life-protecting, importance of being connected to Christ’s body in an intentional community. 

[8] This was known as a “love feast.”

[9] Tim Chester and Steve Timmis, Everyday Church: Gospel Communities on Mission, 56.

[10] Verlon Fosner, Dinner Church, 24. “If you are looking for ways to evangelize, opening your home is one of the best methods of reaching unbelievers” (Alexander Strauch, Leading with Love, 102.