I have a father.
There is something profound about that.
And really it should be spelled Father.
I’ve been anxious. Anxious about all sorts of things.
My anxiety is really a sort of fear.
That’s where understanding I have a Father is so helpful. And understanding who my Father is…
When I’m anxious, when I fear, I am faithless. And Fatherless. A practical atheist.
I tell myself all sorts of lies: No one can rescue me. No one is looking out for me. I am alone, an orphan in a vast indifferent world.
I often think and act as though I have no Father and I determine my own destiny. I act as though the buck stops with me—that if I don’t make it happen, then it won’t happen. I sometimes think and act like I’m my own little lord.
Sometimes my anxiety is atheistic. It takes no account of God. It takes no account of the fact that I have a good and able Father.
“Lesser of two evils” is a fairly common phrase but how helpful is it? Is there really a situation when we would have to choose between the lesser of two evils? That is a contested ethical issue and an important one.
In answering this difficult question we are dependent. We need wisdom outside of ourselves. John Frame points us in the right direction through his meditation on Scripture. He offers us some helpful theological reflections (See Frame, DCL, 230-34). I share just two of them.
I found Gary Thomas’ book The Sacred Search helpful. He deals with some very relevant issues. I think every person in a dating relationship should read it and I think every single person should read it. Here are some quotes from the book to get you interested:
1. “I want to make a promise to you: if you will seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness and let that agenda drive your decision regarding whom you choose to marry and refuse to compromise on that, you will set yourself up for a much more fulfilling, spiritually enriching, and overall more satisfying marriage. The degree to which you compromise on this verse is the degree to which you put your future satisfaction in jeopardy and open wide the door to great frustration and even regret” (Gary Thomas, The Sacred Search, 22).
2. “Guys… are more inclined to experience romantic love with women they are attracted to physically, yet physical appearance is the thing most likely to change in a person’s life. Marriage isn’t about being young together; it’s about growing old together—and bodies change as we get older. If you don’t marry with that in mind, you’re going to make a major mistake—perhaps the biggest mistake of your life” (Thomas, The Sacred Search, 25). “What launches sexual chemistry won’t sustain sexual chemistry” (p. 47).
3. “The way God made our brains, infatuation resembles an hourglass. The moment you become smitten by someone—the second you find yourself deeply “in love”—is the moment that hourglass gets turned over. There is enough sand in that hourglass, on average, to last you about twelve to eighteen months” (p. 29).
4. “I don’t want to diminish the mystery and poetry of a truly delicious romantic attachment and “soul connection,” but in reality you’re living through a fairly predictable and observable neurochemical reaction. And here’s something you need to know: the state of infatuation actually impedes your ability to objectively discern your partner’s faults and weaknesses. Dr. Thomas Lewis put it this way: “Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism” (pp. 32-33).
5. “Sin, by definition, is overturning God’s created order. In God’s created order, there should be no sex outside of marriage, and lots of fulfilling, generous sex during marriage. Why do you think a person will disobey God in the first instance, but obey Him in the second? Doesn’t it make sense that if you shut out God to do what you want to do in one season, you’ll keep doing it in the next season?” (p. 48)
6. “This might shock you, but your best chance at sexual satisfaction in marriage is not to focus on appearance alone, but rather to find a woman of virtue” (p. 49).
7. “Time serves intentionally cultivated intimate affection, even as it kills infatuation” (p. 51).
8. “The language of the Bible doesn’t suggest there is one right choice for marriage. Rather, all the teaching passages seem to suggest that there are wise and unwise choices. We are encouraged to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner” (p. 61).
9. “Some Christians find themselves in a dating dead end. There’s no one suitable where they work or at their church. For their own reasons, they refuse to look at any online dating sites. Instead of putting themselves in social environments where they might find someone, they start to feel bitter and angry and blame God for not bringing the right one along” (pp. 79-80). Later on he asks, “Are you putting yourself in places where you can find or be found? Do you hang out in places where the kind of person you want to marry hangs out?” (p. 80). So, “Instead of simply ‘waiting for God to bring the right one,’ go out and find a godly mate” (p. 81).
10. “A spiritual sole mate is someone who is passionately committed to getting married for the glory of God first and foremost” (p. 94).
11. “If you marry for money, health, or looks, keep in mind that none of these are certain to remain. Character is the surest thing. Even if the two of you manage to avoid a medical maelstrom, the vast majority of you will have to navigate something else that will test you to your core: having children. Does the person you’re planning on marrying have what it takes in this regard? Are they strong enough not just to be your spouse, but to be your children’s mom or dad?” (p. 119).
12. “Intimacy is built through sharing, listening, understanding, and talking through issues. If someone doesn’t like to talk, refuses to talk, or resents your desire to talk, intimacy building is going to hit a stone wall” (p. 141).
13. “The general rule is this: however much your boyfriend talks to you while dating, cut that down by at least 25 percent after marriage. If you’re not good with that, you’re looking at the wrong guy. I’m not saying it should be that way, only that it almost always is. Talk to married women; ask them if this isn’t true. Make your choice accordingly” (pp. 141-42).
14. “The person you marry is the person you’re going to be married to” (p. 160).
15. “When we live for ourselves, we become boring. Most of us are simply not interesting enough on our own to captivate someone else for five or six decades” (p. 174).
16. “When we sin sexually we are literally launching a neurochemical war against our mental reasoning” (p. 187).17. “Sex is a powerful tool. In a healthy marriage, used appropriately, it can be nothing short of glorious. As people who believe God is the Creator of our bodies and our sexuality, we should be eager to embrace His good handiwork. But know this: the more powerful the tool, the more training and caution you need when learning to use it” (p. 201).18. “If you’ve caught the vision for a marriage that seeks first the kingdom of God, you need to be on the lookout for personality traits that will undermine such a focus” (p. 203).
19. “Guys, if you marry a woman who is motivated by reverence for God over affection for you, she’ll learn to be kind to you and affectionate toward you even when she doesn’t feel like it and when you’re acting like a jerk. The same thing that feeds her chastity—love and respect for God—will feed sexual enthusiasm within marriage. The same thing that feeds promiscuity before marriage—selfishness and fear—will kill sexual desire after marriage” (pp. 210-11).20. “Sex can indeed be amazing. It’s also a skill that can be learned, and that’s what marriage allows, so if the two of you aren’t “compatible” on your wedding night, you have a lifetime to get there.Two people who genuinely care for each other and who are growing in the virtues of kindness and generosity will figure out, sooner rather than later, how to please and keep on pleasing each other” (p. 187).
Here are 18 of the books (plus 2 extras) I plan to read in 2018:
- Thomas R. Schreiner, The King in His Beauty
- Tony Reinke, Lit!
- Tish Harrison Warren, Liturgy of the Ordinary
- Tommy Keith, Finacial Security in Ten Easy Steps
- Levi Lusko, Swipe Right
- Alex Haley, Roots
- John Piper, Reading the Bible Supernatully
- The Quran
- Gregory Koukl, The Story of Reality
- Frederick Douglass, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
- Joseph Heller, Catch 22
- Albert Camus, The Stranger
- Francis S. Collins, The Language of God
- Elisabeth Elliot, Shadow of the Almighty
- Mark Forsyth, The Elements of Eloquence
- Steven Johnson, How We Got to Now
- Bruce Olson, Bruchko
- Andreas Kostenberger, God, Marriage, and Family
- Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire (Mistborn, book 1)
- Dee Brown, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
I always aim to read at least one book each week. So this list gives me some flexibility but ensures a somewhat balanced diet.
What’s your eighteen? And what should I add to my list?
_ _ _
Here are a few books you should’ve read in 2017.
I’m being facetious in the title. But here are my favorite books that I read in 2017. They are in no particular order. That would be too difficult. If I could make you read just one book, however, it would be The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch.
- John M. Perkins, Let Justice Roll Down
- William Lane Craig, Reasonable Faith
- Ben Sasse, The Vanishing American Adult
- Andy Crouch, The Tech-Wise Family
- Andrew T. Walker, God and the Transgender Debate
- Ishmael Beah, A Long Way Gone
- Tim Challies, Do More Better
- Nabeel Qureshi, Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus
- Frank Turek, Stealing from God
- John S. Dickerson, The Great Evangelical Recession