What is Forgiveness and How Can I Forgive?
The Bible talks about forgiveness frequently. It talks about God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others. Forgiveness is important. So, it’s important that we have a good understanding of it.
What does forgiveness mean?
The truth is, we hear many confusing definitions of forgiveness. Yet, to misunderstand forgiveness brings serious consequences.[1]
The main New Testament Greek word for forgive is ἄφεσις, and basically means to “let go.” Yet, we should know that the best way to determine the biblical meaning of forgiveness is to look at its various uses in the Bible.[2] That’s a big errand and not one we will be able to do here. Yet, this study can still be helpful.
There are three main types of forgiveness.[3]
1. Legal or Judicial Forgiveness
“Judicial forgiveness involves the remission or pardoning of sin by God.” This type of forgiveness “lies at the heart of Christianity and the salvation experience.”[4] This form of forgiveness is contingent on confession of sin (Ps. 32:5; 1 Jn. 1:9) and repentance (Lk. 24:47; Acts 2:38; 5:31). In the ultimate sense, this type of forgiveness cannot be granted by humans, only sought by humans. This type of forgiveness is the kind that every person must seek. Because there is none righteous, not even one (Rom. 3:10). So, we are all in need of forgiveness.
There is, however, another sense of judicial forgiveness. That is, to forgive the debt that one owes. Imagine a friend borrows five hundred dollars; it is my right to get my money back. He owes a debt to me. But I can forgive that debt so that he does not owe me.
The Bible says that the wage of sin is death (Rom. 6:23). The debt we owe because of our sin is death and separation from God. Yet, God makes a way for our debt to be forgiven.
Are Christians to grant legal or judicial forgiveness?
First, it depends on what is meant. As we have said, we are not in the place of God to forgive sins which have been committed against Him. Yet, God in His grace and mercy has provided a way of forgiveness. God is both just and the justifier of the one who places their faith in Jesus (Rom. 3:26).
Second, God has instituted governmental authorities over us to carry out justice and enforce the law. If someone has broken the law and is sentenced to pay the penalty for their crime, we cannot release them from their punishment. In that sense, we cannot “let go” and forgive.
Yet, third, it does seem there is a sense that Christians are, at least at times, to grant legal or judicial forgiveness. This seems especially to be the case when Christians are dealing with other Christians. For example, Paul writes in his letter to the Christian Corinthians, “To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded” (6:7)?
2. Psychological Forgiveness
“Psychological forgiveness is the inner, personal category of forgiveness, and it has two aspects: negatively, it involves letting go of hatred and personal revenge; positively, it involves extending grace to the offender.”[5]This is a form of forgiveness that I believe all Christians are called to.
It should be realized, however, that letting go of revenge and retribution does not mean letting go of justice or the desire for justice. In fact, trusting in God’s perfect justice enables us to leave revenge to God (Rom. 12:19). God will perfectly carry out justice even when governmental justice fails. Trusting God’s justice facilitates forgiveness. We don’t have to avenge ourselves because God is a just avenger (Deut. 32:35; Ps. 94:1-2; Rom. 12:19; 1 Thess. 4:6).
So, “forgiveness does not necessarily remove negative consequences for the one forgiven, nor does it automatically grant trust and reconciliation.”[6] We see this in different places throughout the Bible. In Numbers 14:20-23, God forgives His people of their sin, but that does not mean there aren’t consequences. There are. None of the rebellious adults enter the Promised Land (see also 2 Sam. 12:11; Hos. 3:1-5).
Also, psychological forgiveness is not necessarily felt first; it is often granted first.[7] Forgiveness is not just a feeling; it’s a choice. Hopefully, feelings eventually accompany the choice, but forgiveness is a “letting go” whether or not we feel like letting go.[8]
Forgiveness does not mean that one must forget. “There is no such commandment in the Scripture. Forgiveness is not a shock treatment that instantly wipes out memory of the recent past.”[9] Forgiveness is a process. And I also believe it is a provision of God. He helps us to forgive, and He can heal our hurts.
Are Christians to grant psychological forgiveness?
In short, yes, I believe they are. But psychological forgiveness does not necessarily mean things must automatically or ever go back to the way things were.
3. Relational Forgiveness
This type of forgiveness is restorative. It is the restoration of a relationship or reconciliation. This form of forgiveness is always desirable, but not always possible. There are various scenarios in which this is the case. Aaron Sironi points out that Joseph, in Genesis 42-45, wisely withheld reconciliation until his brothers acknowledged their sins and expressed true remorse.[10]
“When trust is deeply broken, restoration is often a lengthy process largely determined by the changing attitudes and actions of the abuser. Words and tears are not and will never be enough to restore trust. When an abusive person genuinely repents, there is an understanding and acceptance that rebuilding trust will take time.”[11]
In Luke 17, Jesus says: “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
First, we should pay attention to ourselves, knowing that we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). We must realize that “temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk. 17:1) to us all. We shouldn’t ignorantly and arrogantly think we are immune.
Second, if someone[12] sins, we are to lovingly rebuke them. Yet, we must make sure we are not puffed up in pride, and we must make sure we do not have a log in our own eye when we seek to look at the speck in someone else’s eye (Matt. 7:3-5). We must also realize that some offenses should just be overlooked (Prov. 19:11; 1 Pet. 2:19, 23). We shouldn’t make an issue where no issue exists or where something can be lovingly overlooked.
Third, it says that if they repent, we are to forgive them. That seems to mean if they don’t repent, we are not constrained to forgive them, at least in the relational sense. Though, in the psychological sense mentioned above, I believe we are still to forgive. So, at least some forms of forgiveness are conditional.
But, Timothy Keller makes a good point when he says,
If a relationship has broken down, it is always your move to initiate relationship repair. Matthew 5 says, “If your brother has something against you, go to him,” while Matthew 18 says, “If you have something against your brother, go to him,” so it doesn’t matter who started it. A Christian is responsible to begin the process of reconciliation, regardless of how the alienation began. [13]
Notice Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Sometimes it is not up to us. If people in our lives insist on continued abuse, we do not need to relationally forgive them. In fact, we likely should not. I believe that would be casting our pearls before swine (Matt. 7:6).
Fourth, we are to forgive those who sin against us when they repent, even when they are struggling to defeat their sin. Therefore, we see Christians are to offer relational forgiveness when genuine repentance has taken place (2 Cor. 2:5-11).
Are Christians to grant relational forgiveness?
As we have seen, the granting of relational forgiveness seems to depend on various factors. Is it wise and safe to be in a relationship with the person who hurt you? Have they shown signs of genuine godly repentance and change?
Steps to Forgive
It can be difficult to forgive others. Yet, forgiveness is something God calls us to. So, here are five steps to help us forgive.
1. Understand God’s Forgiveness
Look at these verses about God’s forgiveness of us!
- “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against Him” (Dan. 9:9).
- “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Ps. 103:12).
- “Who is a God like You, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea” (Mic. 7:18-19).
This is how Keller says it:
We should be in the accused prisoner’s dock, but we put ourselves in the judge’s seat. But the Lord, who rightly sat in the universe’s judgment seat, came down, put himself in the dock, and went to the cross. The Judge of all the earth was judged. He was punished for us. He took the punishment we deserve. This humbles us out of our bitterness because we know we are also sinners living only by sheer mercy (Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?).
2. Understand what God says about forgiveness
We must consider what we have already looked at above. In addition, once we have remembered and celebrated God’s abundant love and forgiveness, it’s good to remember what He calls us to.
- “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
- “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13).
- “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15 see also Matt. 18:15-35).
3. Understand the offense(s) and negative emotions
If we are to rightly forgive someone, it’s important that we rightly understand what it is we are forgiving them for. Therefore, it is important to clearly think about what they have done and what the result has been. When we know what we need to forgive, we are better positioned to forgive.
4. Deliberately let go of the desire for revenge
We, like Jesus, are to entrust ourselves to Him who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:23). That means we work to let go of a desire for revenge because we know that God will make all things right in the end.
5. Reevaluate the person who hurt you and discover their humanity
We remember that we are all sinners in need of grace. If someone has done something to hurt you, it could be because they have been deeply hurt or because Satan deeply deceived them. Of course, neither of those things justifies at all what they did, but it can be helpful to see their humanity.
What Does Real Repentance Look Like?
This is an important consideration for the person asking for forgiveness, as well as the person granting forgiveness to consider. Genuine repentance is especially important with relational forgiveness. As we saw above, Joseph wanted to see signs of genuine repentance from his brothers before granting relational forgiveness.
So, if someone seeks to genuinely repent, they should:
- Take full responsibility for what they have done.
- Acknowledge the full and extensive scope of what they have done.
- Put boundaries and plans in place to protect the one they have hurt.
- Take active steps to change.
This is what godly repentance looks like that leads to life, as opposed to worldly repentance that leads to death (2 Cor. 7:10-16).[14] People, in other words, are called to bear fruit in keeping with repentance (Matt. 3:8).
Conclusion
It seems that for the Christian, forgiveness is required in every case. Yet, there are different types of forgiveness. If we forgive what someone owes us, that means we realize we will not exact payment. That, however, does not mean that God will not exact payment. Forgiveness, then, is an act of faith that entrusts justice and retribution into God’s hands. We can forgive and let things go when we give them to God. God can handle those things.
Notes
[1] Aaron Sironi, “From Your Heart… Forgive,” 47 in The Journal of Biblical Counseling, vol. 26, num. 3.
[2] See Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul, 183
[3] Timothy Keller says, “These are not two kinds of forgiveness but two aspects or stages of it. One could say that the first must always happen, and the second may happen, but that is not always possible. Attitudinal forgiveness can occur without reconciliation, but reconciliation cannot happen unless attitudinal forgiveness has already occurred. (Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?, 107)
[4] Steven Tracy, Mending the Soul, 184.
[5] Tracy, Mending the Soul, 185.
[6] Tracy, Mending the Soul, 182.
[7] Jay Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Manuel, 67.
[8] Keller says, “Forgiveness is often (or perhaps usually) granted before it’s felt inside. When you forgive somebody, you’re not saying, ‘All my anger is gone.’ What you’re saying when you forgive is ‘I’m now going to treat you the way God treated me. I remember your sins no more'” (Forgive).
[9] Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Manuel, 64-65.
[10] Sironi, “From Your Heart… Forgive,” 51.
[11] Sironi, “From Your Heart… Forgive,” 51.
[12] Luke 17:3 says “brother.” This refers to any Christian brother or sister. But seems to apply in certain contexts to non-Christians, as well.
[13] Keller, Forgive, 190.
[14] “True repentance begins where whitewashing (“Nothing really happened”) and blame-shifting (“It wasn’t really my fault”) and self-pity (“I’m sorry because of what it has cost me”) and self-flagellation (“I will feel so terrible no one will be able to criticize me”) end” (Keller, Forgive, 149).
How should I think about regret? How should I handle regret?
How should I think about regret? How should I handle regret?
Regret can come about for a lot of reasons. The word regret means “sorrow or remorse for a fault or an act.” There are certainly reasons and times to feel regret, but we should not wallow in regret. Non-sinful forms of regret (like a wrong decision) can lead to lament. Lament is essentially laying out our loss to the LORD. It’s taking our cries, complaints, and cares to Him.
When regret leads us to the Lord or to repentance it can be a good thing. Though, it still should not be an all-consuming thing. Regret, however, is often more like worldly repentance, than godly repentance (see 2 Cor. 7). There’s a sense of loss, but not the will to change. Regret, like worldly repentance, often has sadness without the solid resolve to change. Whereas real repentance leads to life change and life, simple regret is not lifegiving (2 Cor. 7:10); it’s without hope and therefore deadly. Regret doesn’t take the transforming message and good news of Jesus into account.
Repentance and regret
Repentance is a biblical word and learning is a biblical word… Like learning from the wrong we’ve done and changing. Scripture calls us to repentance when we’ve done wrong. Not mere regret.
If there was someone who you think would be lost in hopeless regret, it would be the apostle Paul and, come to think of it, the apostle Peter too. Paul persecuted Jesus, and Peter denied Him—three times. Talk about regret. They didn’t just ruin their life, they turned their backs on the Author of life (Acts 3:15). Wow.
Yet, this is what Paul says: he forgets what lies behind him and strains forward to what lies ahead. He presses on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:13-14). And Peter reminds us that through Christ Jesus, we have been cleansed from our former sins (2 Peter 1:9). So, regret turned into repentance, and repentance turned into rest in Jesus and resolve to live and die for Him.
Both Peter and Paul, and you and me, have things that we regret. Yet, Jesus cleanses and recreates. If we trust in Him and repent of our sin, He makes us new. Acts 3:19 says, Repent, turn back, “that your sins may be blotted out.”
So, Scripture calls us to repent—change our ways by the empowering grace of God—and not wallow in regret.
The Bible does relate that there are consequences for sin. Yet, it also tells us we can start over. Jesus makes us new. When we sow seeds to the flesh, what grows up is fruits of death—enmity, anger, and animosity. Whereas when we sow seeds to the Spirit, we get the fruits of life and righteousness—peace with God and relational prosperity.
Regret looks inward, into self, and tries to find resources there. That perspective is fruitless and flawed. There is not help enough there. Repentance, on the other hand, looks outward and upward for help from Christ the Creator and Recreator. He—as the Boss of the universe—has resources to help us with our deepest and darkest regrets.
Three categories of regret
Think of three regrets in your own life. List them out. Now we’re going to categorize them and consider how you should respond to them. Here are three categories of regrets:
- Sinful: what you regret was flatly wrong (e.g., stealing)
- Wrong choice: in retrospect, your choice was not the best (e.g., could have chosen a career you’re better suited for)
- A confusing mix of sin and wrong choice: the situation is so extensive you can’t sort it out (e.g., a marriage that ended in divorce)
How does Scripture tell us to respond to the three categories of regret?
Sin should always be repented of
First, sin should always be repented of. Sin always leads to brokenness and is an offense to a holy God. Therefore, we should turn away from all sin and ask for forgiveness. The Bible teaches that when we do this God grants forgiveness. We, therefore, don’t need to live in shame and guilt. For those in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation (Rom. 8:1).
If you have a regret to repent of, certainly do that! And even make restitution (Luke 19: 8 cf. Ex. 22:1; 2 Sam. 12:6) and reconciliation (Matt. 5:23-26; 2 Cor. 5:18-19) wherever possible. But God does not call us to condemn or flog ourselves. God instead makes us new creations in Christ and forgets our sin. Do not remember something God has forgotten. Do not carry something Christ has buried. If God has thrown your sin into the depths of the ocean never to surface again (Micah 7:19), why do you recall them? Could it be the father of lies bringing them up from the dark depths to destroy and condemn?
Some regrets do not require repentance, though they may require tears
Second, some regrets do not require repentance, though they may require tears. I regret not spending more time with certain loved ones that have died. I regret misunderstanding when a particular assignment was due because it resulted in a bad grade. Yet, I don’t need to repent of all my regrets because not all my regrets were the result of sin.
Some regrets are a source of frustration because we have more information now than we did when we made our choice. Or you may feel like you are a different person now than when you made the choice. Or… a thousand different things. But you did make the choice, and now, in some sense, you’re stuck with the choice. And you regret it.
So, what do you do? How should we respond to this type of regret? Trust and lament.
We trust the Lord is with us and for us and is good, even in the midst of our less than stellar situation. Even if our life never feels finally fulfilled, or it seems like it could’ve been so much better if we would’ve made a better choice, as Christians, we know that we are not home here. Nothing will actually be a perfect choice here. Instead, heaven is our home. We are strangers and exiles here.
We know the world reels and regrets, as a result of the Fall. Things are not as they should’ve been and won’t be until Jesus comes back to fix the world. So, in one sense, regret is natural now and expected because of the broken world that is our address.
We also lament. We talk to the Lord in song and prayer, and we tell Him what we don’t like and why. Yet, even as we lament and lay out our losses and regrets to the Lord, we also trust.
Sometimes it’s hard to sort through our regret
Third, sometimes it’s hard to sort through our regret. Sometimes it is hard to label it and put it in a specific bucket. Yet, we know the One who knows our hearts better than we know our own. So, we cry out to the Lord, and we ask Him to help us. We ask for direction and we trust that when we don’t know the way, He does.
We also know that even while Jesus never sinned—never made any wrong choices whatsoever—He does understand where we’re coming from. He does know and did experience this messy and messed up world (Heb. 4:14-16). So, He can sympathize with us.
When regret is a riddle that we cannot figure out, we can and must still lean on the Lord. We turn to Him (that’s really what repentance is) and away from wallowing in despondence.
So, take your regrets, categorize them as best as you can, and respond appropriately: repent, lament, or a combination of the two. But don’t wallow in self-pity or condemnation. Self-pity and condemnation forget the gospel; they forget that Jesus has promised us the Kingdom and given us His righteousness.
Ultimately, the solution to regret of any kind is trusting and remembering Jesus’ gift of perfect righteousness and His coming reign where all regrets will be washed away (Rev. 21:1-4).
Take some time and respond appropriately to your regrets.
Reflection questions to help you process regret
- Read 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. What is the difference between “godly grief” and “worldly grief”?
- Do you have places in your life where you have regret that is merely “worldly grief” but isn’t leading to healthy life change?
- What are a few actions steps that you can take to purposely and intentionally turn away from and defeat sin in your life?
- Read Psalm 51:1-7. What did king David, the author of Psalm 51, regret? (Notice the introduction to the Psalm)
- How did king David respond to his regret?
- Did David hold out hope that he could be forgiven for what he did?
- When your sin is brought to light, what is your response?
- Read Psalm 51:8-19. David clearly regretted his sin. Yet, he wasn’t totally hopeless even though his sin was terrible and tragic. In the verses you read, where do you see signs of hope?
*Photo by Nathan Dumlao
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