It is counterintuitive, but one of the wisdom literature books in the Bible, Ecclesiastes, says it’s better to go to a funeral than a feast. Why would it be better to go to a funeral than a feast? Because a funeral is the destination of all people, the living should consider that reality and take it to heart.

As a hospice chaplain, I think about the reality of death. Our culture often doesn’t. We live in a “society that often isolates death and dying from the flow of daily life, unlike almost every other society in history… The modern West is an anomaly in this regard: most ages and cultures have lived much closer to the fact of human mortality.”[1]

There are various benefits to being aware of the reality of death. For one, death is a reality. Future drivers ideally care at least a little bit about their education on how to drive. We, all the time, are preparing for things that are inevitable in the future. It makes sense for us to prepare for death, as well. As the psalmist says, our years are limited, “so teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Ps. 90:12).

𝟏) 𝐖𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬.

Little everyday decisions shape us into the type of people we will be. We are in the process of becoming. Death reminds us that the way we live every day matters.

Be aware of your trajectory.

𝟐) 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). I have definitely seen this lived out. Our attitude and perspective matter in life and affect the way we die.

Cultivate a heart of thanksgiving.

𝟑) 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐝.

I don’t think many people will wish they had spent more time on their iPhones when they are lying on their deathbeds. Ask yourself: “Am I valuing what is valuable?”

Don’t waste your time (what your life is made up of!) on pointless pursuits.

𝟒) 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫.

On our deathbed, what will matter most is not the plaques on our walls or the money in our bank account. It is the relationships made, the people we invested in, and the people standing around our bed. Vivek H. Murthy, who served as the surgeon general of the United States, said, “When I think back on the patients I cared for in their dying days,… their status in the eyes of society were never the yardsticks by which they measured a meaningful life. What they talked about were relationships. The ones that brought them great joy. The relationships they wish they’d been more present for. The ones that broke their hearts. In the final moments, when only the most meaningful strands of life remain, it’s the human connections that rise to the top.”[2]

Make time for relationships even if it means less money.

𝟓) 𝐃𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

Christians specifically believe that “what is suffered by one can be suffered by all, and that every body is a fragile temple of God’s Spirit and worthy of care.”[3] The dignity of every person, even in their dying days, is a precious and important value. And caring for people and helping them die well matters. The truth is, dying for most people will be messy in a biological sense. However, those with knowledge and skill can provide compassionate care to the bodily needs of dying persons. I have been honored to see hospice nurses and aids provide this tenderhearted care.

Honor others (even if they’re radically different or difficult).

𝟔) 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞.

We all die in the same way. No matter how competent, tough, resilient, and successful, we will need help. We are all human. “Nothing human is alien; no joy and no sorrow, no way of living and no way of dying.”[4] As John Donne, the pastor poet, said, “Death comes equally to us all, and makes us all equal when it comes.” Or as Jerome, the theologian, said, “He whom we look down upon, whom we cannot bear to see, the very sight of whom causes us to vomit, is the same as we are, formed with us from the self-same clay, compacted of the same elements. Whatever he suffers, we also can suffer.”

Don’t assume that something bad that happens to someone else, can’t happen to you; it can.

𝟕) 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐕𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞.

There’s a lot more to everyone around us if we have eyes to see and ears to hear. What we see is just the tip of the iceberg; everyone has a lot under the surface, a history.

Take time to get to know people and don’t prejudge.

𝟖) 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐝.

“There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Grief is the price we pay for love. Tears tell a tale of love.

When appropriate lean into both sorrow and joy, they’re important and related.

𝟗) 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

People respond to the presence of people. Physical presence matters. I think of 2 John 12: “Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete.” FaceTime is great but it can’t replace face time.

When present be present, and prioritize physical presence over technological alternatives.

𝟏𝟎) 𝐃𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞.

Don’t wait to rest and relax until you retire. I’ve met people who have said, “When I retire I will ___.” But, when they retired, they got the diagnosis.

Remember you’re going to die, and you don’t know when, so live while you’re alive.

𝟏𝟏) 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐥.

If we live long enough, no matter who we are, our bodies will become frail and fail. No matter how healthy, no matter how strong, our bodies can and will fail; and they can fail when least expected.

Take care of your body but know there will come a day when it will fail more and more.

𝟏𝟐) 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝.

As my brother, and I’m sure others have said, “The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the second best time is now.” It’s the same with relationships, end-of-life planning, and anything important.

If there’s something important that needs doing, do it.

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[1] Amy Plantinga Pauw, “Dying Well” in Dorothy C. Bass, *Practicing Our Faith*, 163.

[2] Vivek H. Murthy, *Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World*, 284.

[3] Stephanie Paulsell, “Honoring the Body” in Bass, *Practicing Our Faith*, 17.

[4] Henri Nouwen, *The Wounded Healer*.

Photo by Dominik Lange