Confession Before A Christian Meal
When our church gathers, we always share a meal together. Sharing a meal follows the pattern of the early church and helps us cultivate hospitality and relationships; both of which are sorely lacking in our American culture. Before we eat, we share a confession to remind ourselves of the special significance of eating together.[1] Here are some of our past confessions:
“Let us say what we believe…
#1: Being the apprentices of someone who is sinless and who died for the sins of a sinful world, never promised to be easy or to fit nicely into the life we carved out for ourselves. Jesus says, “If you lose your life you will find it.” He doesn’t say, “Find a place to fit Me in.” But the reason Jesus so wants to explode our lives and the way of living is not because He is some monster that wants to ruin the good thing we have going. No! Jesus wants us to walk in the way of abundant, full flourishing, and eternal life. Jesus, as the way, the truth, and the life, knows how we ought to live, and wants us to walk that straight and narrow, beautifully righteous, road.
One of the things Jesus shows He values is eating with others, eating with friends and soon-to-be friends. We take time to eat and talk because Jesus did. We take time to love because Jesus did. So, as we eat and talk and love today, let’s seek to take time this week to do the same. As followers of Jesus, let’s follow Jesus.
#2: Messiah Jesus has called us together to be a people of purity in a land littered with porn, He has called us to be light in a world of darkness, salt in a world of decay, a harbor of hope in a world of hopelessness. He has called us to be His people of radical love in a world of hate. So, as we gather, may God gift us and grow us to that end. May God build us up as we are gathered and use us to bless this broken world as we scatter.
#3: Jesus’ Kingdom is made up of people from Sierra and Senegal, Armenia and America, China and Chad, Portugal and Pakistan, Mexico and Malaysia, and many many more. The reality is, in Christ, we are all one. Division is dead. We are united. So, we are to live together in purposeful unity. It will not be easy, but Jesus’ blood was spilled to welcome us into union with Him and each other. We should not disregard Jesus’ great sacrifice for us, instead, we must “make every effort to keep the unity” (Eph. 1:3).
#4: As we eat even a meager meal together it is significant. We testify to the truth of our unity in Jesus. We remember the relationship with God and each other that Jesus has welcomed us into at great cost to Himself. We remember the various people that Jesus ate with while He walked the earth—prostitutes, Pharisees, and frauds. He welcomed them, He welcomes us, and we are to welcome others. We also remember that soon we will eat with Jesus and with people from every tribe, language, nation, and tongue.
#5: We eat remembering the fellowship and love of the Trinity and we share together in that fellowship. We eat as an act of rebellion against the ways of the world. We eat as a tangible reminder of all we share. So, while we eat, let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding (Rom. 14:19).
#6: God gives the gift of rain and crop, He gives the gift of life, and breathe, and everything. Often we as humans fight over everything. But in a meal we share and partake together. We give grace and we receive grace. A meal is a teacher and a uniter. God cares about meals. As we eat, we remember and we are thankful that we are not in the final analysis independent, we are dependent, dependent on God and upon one another.
#7: Jesus’ posture on the cross is His posture towards us; His arms are open wide. Jesus says to everyone who is thirsty, “Come. Quench your thirst.” To everyone who is sick, Jesus says, “Come. Be healed.” To everyone who is lonely, Jesus says, “Come. Be loved.” Jesus welcomes us, so we welcome one another, and we welcome others. And as we eat now, we remember and celebrate the fellowship Jesus welcomes us into.
#8: When the church comes together, it’s a political rally. We testify and celebrate the reality that Jesus is King. Jesus reigns in goodness, justice, and power. And though we may not see it with physical eyes, we are a powerful group of people, because we are the LORD’s people, we are the church of God (Gal. 1:13; 1 Cor. 10:32, 15:9). We all together are in Christ. Our identity is new in Him; we are not the old people we used to be (2 Cor. 5:17), we are people who radically love, who radically give. We are in Jesus’ Kingdom and under His powerful and eternal reign. We can’t be hurt by the second death because we are more than conquerors and will celebrate at the marriage supper of the Lamb. So, even as we eat now, we testify to these realities. We remember and we rejoice.
#9: It is no light or flippant thing to gather with God’s saints. We celebrate and rejoice that we get to share this meal and time together. As Hebrew 10:24 says, we want to consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, we do not want to neglect meeting together, but instead intentionally encourage one another. So now, Father, may you build us up, and bless us so we can bless the broken world that needs to know the love of your Son, Jesus.
#10: We together give thanks to the LORD for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever (Ps. 136:1). We give thanks because the LORD is the giver of every good gift (James 1:17), the giver of life, breath, and everything (Acts 17:25). Our Lord gives food and friends to eat with. Therefore, as we come to eat together, we come with thankful hearts. Together we acknowledge God’s abundant goodness. As we eat, may we remember and teach ourselves and one another, that God is a God of extravagance and abundance; God has more grace, more love, and more pleasure in store, so may we likewise be lavish in our love for others.
[1] During the singing portion of our gathering, we sometimes confess one of the historic confessions (the Nicene Creed or Apostle’s Creed). I’ve thought about us systematically working through a confession but we haven’t done that yet.
Photo by Jaco Pretorius
Summary of Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Social Isolation Study
Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Social Isolation is a 2023 advisory report by U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. It highlights the widespread issue of loneliness and social isolation in the U.S. and its severe health consequences.
Scope of the Problem
The report highlights that loneliness and social isolation have become widespread in the U.S., affecting millions of people across all demographics.
- About one in two adults reports experiencing loneliness. Social isolation has increased due to shifts in how people interact, including greater reliance on technology and remote work.
- Young adults, older adults, and marginalized communities are particularly vulnerable.
Causes and Contributing Factors
- Decline in community participation (e.g., fewer people engaging in religious or civic groups).
- Remote work and digital communication reducing in-person interactions.
- Changes in family structures leading to fewer social connections.
- COVID-19 has had a substantial impact.
- Americans spend less time with friends and family than in previous decades.
Health Impacts
The report emphasizes that loneliness and social isolation are not just emotional struggles—they have serious consequences for physical and mental health, comparable to other well-known public health risks.
- Chronic loneliness increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety.
- The health impact of lacking social connection is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
- Social isolation raises the risk of premature death by 26-29%.
Solutions and Recommendations
The report outlines a six-pillar strategy to rebuild social connections and address the loneliness crisis:
1. Strengthen Social Infrastructure
- Invest in public spaces, community centers, and social programs that encourage connection.
2. Promote Pro-Social Public Policies
- Encourage workplace policies that support social well-being. Integrate social connection efforts into healthcare systems, such as screenings for loneliness.
3. Reduce Harmful Aspects of Technology
- Develop healthy digital habits.
4. Deepen Community Engagement
- Increase participation in local organizations, religious groups, and volunteer work**.
5. Equip the Public with Social Skills
- Teach social connection skills in schools and workplaces. Educate people about the importance of maintaining relationships for their well-being.
6. Make Social Connection a Public Health Priority
- Recognize loneliness as a public health crisis and fund research and initiatives.
Quotes from the Study
Social connection is a fundamental human need, as essential to survival as food, water, and shelter. (9)
Despite current advancements that now allow us to live without engaging with others (e.g., food delivery, automation, remote entertainment), our biological need to connect remains. (9)
The lack of social connection poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.* In addition, poor or insufficient social connection is associated with increased risk of disease, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke. Furthermore, it is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, and dementia. Additionally, the lack of social connection may increase susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illness. (8)
Social connection is a significant predictor of longevity and better physical, cognitive, and mental health, while social isolation and loneliness are significant predictors of premature death and poor health. (23)
Substantial evidence also links social isolation and loneliness with accelerated cognitive decline and an increased risk of dementia in older adults, 10.41 including Alzheimer’s disease 63 Chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50% in older adults, even after controlling for demographics and health status.41 A study that followed older adults over 12 years found that cognitive abilities declined 20% faster among those who reported loneliness. (28)
Evidence shows that being objectively isolated, or even the perception of isolation, can increase inflammation to the same degree as physical inactivity. (32)
Increased levels of social connection can improve various biomarkers of cardiovascular functioning, including blood pressure, cardiovascular reactivity, and oxidative stress. (32)
Loneliness… is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. (4)
Photo by Toa Heftiba
What if church aimed at something different?
What if church were different and aimed at something different? What if something radically different is needed, and needed right now? What if God is calling us to multiply movements, not names and brands? What if it’s about Jesus, His Kingdom, and the lost people He is calling, and not about a denomination or third-order doctrinal matters?[1] What if we need to focus on micro-movements and not mega organizations?
In the 2004 Olympics, Matt Emmons was way out in front. He had nearly clinched gold in the fifty meter, three position rifle final. All he had to do was hit the target. He didn’t have to get a bullseye; he just had to hit the target—something he could seemingly do with his eyes closed. He took aim, pulled the trigger, and hit the target. The only thing was, it was the wrong target.
He did not get gold that day. He didn’t get a metal. The only thing he got was disqualified. It’s possible to do a really good job, even the best job, and fail. If we aim at the wrong thing, we’re wrong even if we hit the target.
What if we have been aiming at the wrong target? The Apostle Paul, referring to Christian ministry, says, “Let each one take care how he builds” (1 Cor. 3:10). We must be intentional and aim well.
What if the modern church has often listened to business wisdom instead of biblical wisdom? What if we have built on a different foundation than the one the Bible commends to us? What if the church has cared too much about the esteem of man, and Christ and His word have fallen in our esteem?
We easily prize and prioritize the wrong things. We listen to the wrong voices and value and build the wrong things. Jesus wants us to listen to Him, value the Kingdom, and be about the Kingdom. Several years ago Kent Hughes wrote Liberating Ministry from the Success Syndrome. He says true success in ministry is not measured by worldly metrics like numbers or popularity. The book emphasizes the importance of focusing on the spiritual well-being and transformation of individuals rather than solely chasing large congregations.
What if we’ve been aiming at a good social media presence when what we need is actual presence? What we need is not pastors who look good, but who are good. What if we’ve unknowingly been capitulating to the culture and bought into a coy lie?
What if “butts in seats” is not what we should be aiming for but feet on mission? What if mega comfortable, convenient, and cool is the wrong target, so even if we hit it we’re liable to be disqualified? Again, we must “build with care” (1 Cor. 3:10). What if we’re building with straw and the End will disclose the futility of our efforts? (1 Cor. 3:12-13)
If disciples are what our Lord delights in, and disciples endure the Day, then that must be our aim. We must aim and build differently. Buildings and brands are not the goal; a band of radical Jesus followers is; that’s who turned the world upside down in the beginning (and without a budget).
Fruitfulness is faithful disciples. We must work like Jesus and Paul did. And we must create contexts most likely to produce faithful followers, not fans.
What if we had deep instead of surface relationships, discipled instead of entertained, and emphasized the church body instead of the building? What if we were intergenerational instead of isolating, cared about character instead of charisma, and emphasized the ministry of people instead of “superpastors”? What if pastors deeply knew people, we were authentic instead of artificial, and simple instead of complex?
What if churches were co-laborers instead of competitors? What if churches were closer to the biblical ideal and cared more about the Kingdom and less about their brand? What if the renown and reputation of Jesus was the all-consuming focus? What if we all said, “May Jesus increase, and I decrease?” What if pastors sought to “put themselves out of business”?
What if the church sought to be the church, not just go to church? What if the church didn’t just care about orthodoxy but cared about orthopraxy, too? That is, what if people didn’t just know how to define love or find verses about it in the Bible, but radically loved all those they came in contact with. What if churches were appealing, not mainly because of their architecture, programming, and hipness, but because Jesus’ love radiated out of them‽ What if the world was turned upside-down—in the best of ways—not by moralism, music, and monologues from the stage, but people loving Jesus and other people in real life?
My proposal for the church is: let’s be different. Let’s do these things. Let’s radically love Jesus and others and let the chips fall where they may. Everything else is stubble and dross. Brands will fade, buildings will burn, but souls and our Savior are forever.
Notes
[1] Sadly, some people seem more anxious to convert people to their peculiarities, than to convert souls to Christ (Iain H. Murray, Pentecost Today?, 151).
Reviving Church Connection: From Handshakes to Heartfelt Relationships
What if church were different? What if we had deep instead of surface relationships?
Relationships have always been important because we are relational beings made in the image of the relational triune God. Yet, sadly, people are more relationally disconnected than ever—honestly, likely more relationally disconnected than at any other point in history.
Various studies bear out the problems of our epidemic of loneliness and isolation. “All Americans (both young adults and older adults) have fewer social relationships than their parents and grandparents did.”[1] Yet, Vivek H. Murthy, the United States Surgeon General, has said, “People with strong social relationships are 50 percent less likely to die prematurely than people with weak social relationships… weak social connections can be a significant danger to our health.”
A study by the Surgeon General’s Advisory team, titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” found that loneliness is prevalent today and surprisingly harmful. It is “associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”[3]
Murthy points out that “Social connection stands out as a largely unrecognized and underappreciated force for addressing many of the critical problems we’re dealing with, both as individuals and as a society. Overcoming loneliness and building a more connected future is an urgent mission that we can and must tackle together.”[4] This is an opportunity and exhortation to the Church.
Relationships are important. As the Cheers theme song says:
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.
Relationship, strangely, is something that the church seems to have forgotten about. It’s something, however, that Starbucks and Alcoholics Anonymous have picked up on.
The thing that kept me sober until I got a grip on honesty was the love in the room of Alcoholics Anonymous. I made some friends for the first time in my life. Real friends that cared, even when I was broke and feeling desperate.
The body of Christ should be more affectionate and welcoming than any A.A. meeting or coffee shop.[5]
Secular research tells us we need each other. Experience tells us we need each other. The Bible tells us we need each other. We need each other![6] The secular world in many ways has seen this and the Bible has long since told us. It reminds us that a cord of three strands is not easily broken (Eccl. 4:12). We need the body of Christ to be the body of Christ. We need vital connection, not mere contact.
Many “one another” passages can only be carried out in small familiar settings. A small, simple church allows the benefit of practicing all the various aspects of life together. It gives us a setting to honor one another (Rom. 12:10), accept one another (Rom. 15:7), bear with one another (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:13), forgive one another (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13), pray for and confess sins to one another (James 5:16), cheer and challenge one another (Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25), admonish and confront one another (Rom. 15:14; Col. 3:16; Gal. 6:1-6), warn one another (1 Thess. 5:14), teach one another (Col. 3:16), be real and honest with one another (Gal. 5:15; Rom. 12:9), bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), share possessions with one another (Acts 4:32; Gal. 6:10), and submit to one another (Eph. 5:21).[7]
We need actual relationships instead of handshakes. It is vital and commanded that Christians practice the “one another” passages. Perseverance is a community endeavor. It is imperative for people’s health and the health of the church that people are connected, vitally connected, not merely attending. “Going to church” is not biblical, being the church is.
In order to cultivate deep relationships, what if we had real food and fellowship instead of a handshake? Churches often have a time where you shake people’s hands and say, “Hi.” But, week after week, it becomes an empty expression when nothing more results. Empty platitudes are empty. What if we go to the early church model, and have a meal together every week (Acts 2:46; 20:11; 1 Cor. 11:20-34; Jude 12)?[8]
What if the church leaned into loving relationships and invested time and money to help relationships form? “The church may never outperform TV shows and music videos, but there is nothing like the community life of the church. There is nowhere else where diverse people come together in the same way. There is nowhere else where broken people find a home. There is nowhere else where grace is experienced and God is present by his Spirit.”[9]
What if we practiced hospitality instead of hiding? One of the qualifications for pastors is that they “be hospitable” (1 Tim. 3:2). Pastors were known and knew people, they didn’t hide. And they set the expectations for the rest of the church body. “Some theologians go so far as to state that the growth in the earliest churches was wholly dependent on the meals and hospitality of the believers.”[10] It is imperative for the church’s witness and health that we move from handshakes to heartfelt relationships.
Notes
[1] Allen, Lawton, and Seibel, Intergenerational Christian Formation, 54.
[2] Murthy, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, 13. “Religious communities offer not only social support but also purpose, hope, and meaning” and it has been found that religious community is more beneficial for preventing suicide and mortality than other forms of social support (Tyler J. VanderWeele, “Deaths of Despair and the Role of Religion”).
[3] Office of the Surgeon General, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, 4. “The lack of social connection poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.* In addition, poor or insufficient social connection is associated with increased risk of disease, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke. Furthermore, it is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, and dementia. Additionally, the lack of social connection may increase susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illness” (Ibid., 8).
[4] Murthy, Together, xxvi.
[5] In passages like Philippians 2:25-26 and 1 Thessalonians 3:6-13, we read about the authentic relationships of the church and the concern that the church had for one another. Paul says that Epaphroditus has been longing for the Philippian church, and the Philippian church was distressed because they heard he was sick. They had the opposite of social isolation, they had social affirmation; instead of loneliness, they had a family of love.
[6] “While relationships with others are something we do, it is also true that relationships are what we are. We are what our history of relationships has built into us. We need social relationships like the body needs oxygen, but also like stone needs a sculptor to become a work of art (good or bad). We cannot become healthy adult persons without relationships. To flourish and to mature into persons of wisdom and Christian virtue, we need the shaping that comes with the best sorts of human relationships… Whatever we become or are becoming is a matter of both us and others – our actions and others’ responses, and our responses to others’ actions” (Brown, Warren S.; Strawn, Brad D., The Physical Nature of Christian Life (Cambridge University Press: Kindle Edition, 2012), 72-73).
[7] Also, remember, the book of Hebrews says to consider, that is, think about how to stir, spur, or motivate one another toward love and good works (Heb. 10:24). A “spur” is “a pointed device or sharp spiked wheel fixed to the heel of a rider’s boot to enable him to urge his horse on.” We are supposed to serve as a spur in one another’s lives. We are to be a goad. We are to incite action. We are to be a stimulus for change. We are to give incentive, inducement, and provocation. We are supposed to provoke, stimulate, impel, and inspire each other. This happens best in small relational settings where people are actually known. Most churches realize that “transformation happens best in community,” if that’s the case, why not capitalize on community contexts‽ Romans 14:19 says “Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” Scripture exhorts us to intentionally pursue mutual upbuilding. Paul tells Timothy to “flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22). Is Timothy supposed to do this all by himself? No! It says “Along with those…” From the above verses, and many we did not look at, we see the practical, life-protecting, importance of being connected to Christ’s body in an intentional community.
[8] This was known as a “love feast.”
[9] Tim Chester and Steve Timmis, Everyday Church: Gospel Communities on Mission, 56.
[10] Verlon Fosner, Dinner Church, 24. “If you are looking for ways to evangelize, opening your home is one of the best methods of reaching unbelievers” (Alexander Strauch, Leading with Love, 102.
Observations from a Hospice Chaplain
It is counterintuitive, but one of the wisdom literature books in the Bible, Ecclesiastes, says it’s better to go to a funeral than a feast. Why would it be better to go to a funeral than a feast? Because a funeral is the destination of all people, the living should consider that reality and take it to heart.
As a hospice chaplain, I think about the reality of death. Our culture often doesn’t. We live in a “society that often isolates death and dying from the flow of daily life, unlike almost every other society in history… The modern West is an anomaly in this regard: most ages and cultures have lived much closer to the fact of human mortality.”[1]
There are various benefits to being aware of the reality of death. For one, death is a reality. Future drivers ideally care at least a little bit about their education on how to drive. We, all the time, are preparing for things that are inevitable in the future. It makes sense for us to prepare for death, as well. As the psalmist says, our years are limited, “so teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Ps. 90:12).
𝟏) 𝐖𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬.
Little everyday decisions shape us into the type of people we will be. We are in the process of becoming. Death reminds us that the way we live every day matters.
Be aware of your trajectory.
𝟐) 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). I have definitely seen this lived out. Our attitude and perspective matter in life and affect the way we die.
Cultivate a heart of thanksgiving.
𝟑) 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐝.
I don’t think many people will wish they had spent more time on their iPhones when they are lying on their deathbeds. Ask yourself: “Am I valuing what is valuable?”
Don’t waste your time (what your life is made up of!) on pointless pursuits.
𝟒) 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫.
On our deathbed, what will matter most is not the plaques on our walls or the money in our bank account. It is the relationships made, the people we invested in, and the people standing around our bed. Vivek H. Murthy, who served as the surgeon general of the United States, said, “When I think back on the patients I cared for in their dying days,… their status in the eyes of society were never the yardsticks by which they measured a meaningful life. What they talked about were relationships. The ones that brought them great joy. The relationships they wish they’d been more present for. The ones that broke their hearts. In the final moments, when only the most meaningful strands of life remain, it’s the human connections that rise to the top.”[2]
Make time for relationships even if it means less money.
𝟓) 𝐃𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.
Christians specifically believe that “what is suffered by one can be suffered by all, and that every body is a fragile temple of God’s Spirit and worthy of care.”[3] The dignity of every person, even in their dying days, is a precious and important value. And caring for people and helping them die well matters. The truth is, dying for most people will be messy in a biological sense. However, those with knowledge and skill can provide compassionate care to the bodily needs of dying persons. I have been honored to see hospice nurses and aids provide this tenderhearted care.
Honor others (even if they’re radically different or difficult).
𝟔) 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞.
We all die in the same way. No matter how competent, tough, resilient, and successful, we will need help. We are all human. “Nothing human is alien; no joy and no sorrow, no way of living and no way of dying.”[4] As John Donne, the pastor poet, said, “Death comes equally to us all, and makes us all equal when it comes.” Or as Jerome, the theologian, said, “He whom we look down upon, whom we cannot bear to see, the very sight of whom causes us to vomit, is the same as we are, formed with us from the self-same clay, compacted of the same elements. Whatever he suffers, we also can suffer.”
Don’t assume that something bad that happens to someone else, can’t happen to you; it can.
𝟕) 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐕𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞.
There’s a lot more to everyone around us if we have eyes to see and ears to hear. What we see is just the tip of the iceberg; everyone has a lot under the surface, a history.
Take time to get to know people and don’t prejudge.
𝟖) 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐝.
“There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Grief is the price we pay for love. Tears tell a tale of love.
When appropriate lean into both sorrow and joy, they’re important and related.
𝟗) 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.
People respond to the presence of people. Physical presence matters. I think of 2 John 12: “Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete.” FaceTime is great but it can’t replace face time.
When present be present, and prioritize physical presence over technological alternatives.
𝟏𝟎) 𝐃𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞.
Don’t wait to rest and relax until you retire. I’ve met people who have said, “When I retire I will ___.” But, when they retired, they got the diagnosis.
Remember you’re going to die, and you don’t know when, so live while you’re alive.
𝟏𝟏) 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐥.
If we live long enough, no matter who we are, our bodies will become frail and fail. No matter how healthy, no matter how strong, our bodies can and will fail; and they can fail when least expected.
Take care of your body but know there will come a day when it will fail more and more.
𝟏𝟐) 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝.
As my brother, and I’m sure others have said, “The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the second best time is now.” It’s the same with relationships, end-of-life planning, and anything important.
If there’s something important that needs doing, do it.
[1] Amy Plantinga Pauw, “Dying Well” in Dorothy C. Bass, *Practicing Our Faith*, 163.
[2] Vivek H. Murthy, *Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World*, 284.
[3] Stephanie Paulsell, “Honoring the Body” in Bass, *Practicing Our Faith*, 17.
[4] Henri Nouwen, *The Wounded Healer*.
Photo by Dominik Lange
Sometimes life gives you a gift that you want to lose but you have to use.
Do you view singleness as a gift? Sometimes we receive gifts that we don’t want to use, don’t know how to use, or don’t even want to possess. I am afraid many of us feel this way about singleness. We don’t know what to do with it, we don’t know why we’re stuck with it, and we just want to get rid of it.
The Apostle Paul saw singleness as a gift. In 1 Corinthians 7:7–9, he says “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Pastor J.P. Pokluda from Harris Creek Baptist in Texas said about singleness “sometimes life gives you a gift that you want to lose but you have to use.” Singleness is a gift from God.
If singleness is a gift, then how do we use this gift?
In 1 Corinthians 7:32–35, Paul says “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”
The most important relationship that we can ever pursue is our relationship with God. Singleness teaches us about the sufficiency of Christ. He alone satisfies. Until Jesus is enough for us, no person, relationship, or marriage will ever be. Singleness is a unique time to pursue undivided devotion to the Lord. Contentment in life comes when we find our worth, identity, purpose, and satisfaction in Christ alone.
To the single person reading this, I encourage you to “set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). Singleness is a unique opportunity to demonstrate to the church and the world that Christ is sufficient. Marriage is not the most important thing ever, Jesus is. We exist to live in relationship with Him, enjoy Him, and bring glory to Him.
Whether we are single, dating, or married let us “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). No matter what your relationship status is, we are called to be satisfied in Him, devoted to Him, and abiding in Him. Singleness is a gift, a unique opportunity to pursue undivided devotion to Christ. Let’s use this gift for the glory of God.
20 Quotes from Gary Thomas’ Book The Sacred Search
I found Gary Thomas’ book The Sacred Search helpful. He deals with some very relevant issues. I think every person in a dating relationship should read it and I think every single person should read it. Here are some quotes from the book to get you interested:
1. “I want to make a promise to you: if you will seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness and let that agenda drive your decision regarding whom you choose to marry and refuse to compromise on that, you will set yourself up for a much more fulfilling, spiritually enriching, and overall more satisfying marriage. The degree to which you compromise on this verse is the degree to which you put your future satisfaction in jeopardy and open wide the door to great frustration and even regret” (Gary Thomas, The Sacred Search, 22).
2. “Guys… are more inclined to experience romantic love with women they are attracted to physically, yet physical appearance is the thing most likely to change in a person’s life. Marriage isn’t about being young together; it’s about growing old together—and bodies change as we get older. If you don’t marry with that in mind, you’re going to make a major mistake—perhaps the biggest mistake of your life” (Thomas, The Sacred Search, 25). “What launches sexual chemistry won’t sustain sexual chemistry” (p. 47).
3. “The way God made our brains, infatuation resembles an hourglass. The moment you become smitten by someone—the second you find yourself deeply “in love”—is the moment that hourglass gets turned over. There is enough sand in that hourglass, on average, to last you about twelve to eighteen months” (p. 29).
4. “I don’t want to diminish the mystery and poetry of a truly delicious romantic attachment and “soul connection,” but in reality you’re living through a fairly predictable and observable neurochemical reaction. And here’s something you need to know: the state of infatuation actually impedes your ability to objectively discern your partner’s faults and weaknesses. Dr. Thomas Lewis put it this way: “Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism” (pp. 32-33).
5. “Sin, by definition, is overturning God’s created order. In God’s created order, there should be no sex outside of marriage, and lots of fulfilling, generous sex during marriage. Why do you think a person will disobey God in the first instance, but obey Him in the second? Doesn’t it make sense that if you shut out God to do what you want to do in one season, you’ll keep doing it in the next season?” (p. 48)
6. “This might shock you, but your best chance at sexual satisfaction in marriage is not to focus on appearance alone, but rather to find a woman of virtue” (p. 49).
7. “Time serves intentionally cultivated intimate affection, even as it kills infatuation” (p. 51).
8. “The language of the Bible doesn’t suggest there is one right choice for marriage. Rather, all the teaching passages seem to suggest that there are wise and unwise choices. We are encouraged to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner” (p. 61).
9. “Some Christians find themselves in a dating dead end. There’s no one suitable where they work or at their church. For their own reasons, they refuse to look at any online dating sites. Instead of putting themselves in social environments where they might find someone, they start to feel bitter and angry and blame God for not bringing the right one along” (pp. 79-80). Later on he asks, “Are you putting yourself in places where you can find or be found? Do you hang out in places where the kind of person you want to marry hangs out?” (p. 80). So, “Instead of simply ‘waiting for God to bring the right one,’ go out and find a godly mate” (p. 81).
10. “A spiritual sole mate is someone who is passionately committed to getting married for the glory of God first and foremost” (p. 94).
11. “If you marry for money, health, or looks, keep in mind that none of these are certain to remain. Character is the surest thing. Even if the two of you manage to avoid a medical maelstrom, the vast majority of you will have to navigate something else that will test you to your core: having children. Does the person you’re planning on marrying have what it takes in this regard? Are they strong enough not just to be your spouse, but to be your children’s mom or dad?” (p. 119).
12. “Intimacy is built through sharing, listening, understanding, and talking through issues. If someone doesn’t like to talk, refuses to talk, or resents your desire to talk, intimacy building is going to hit a stone wall” (p. 141).
13. “The general rule is this: however much your boyfriend talks to you while dating, cut that down by at least 25 percent after marriage. If you’re not good with that, you’re looking at the wrong guy. I’m not saying it should be that way, only that it almost always is. Talk to married women; ask them if this isn’t true. Make your choice accordingly” (pp. 141-42).
14. “The person you marry is the person you’re going to be married to” (p. 160).
15. “When we live for ourselves, we become boring. Most of us are simply not interesting enough on our own to captivate someone else for five or six decades” (p. 174).
16. “When we sin sexually we are literally launching a neurochemical war against our mental reasoning” (p. 187).
17. “Sex is a powerful tool. In a healthy marriage, used appropriately, it can be nothing short of glorious. As people who believe God is the Creator of our bodies and our sexuality, we should be eager to embrace His good handiwork. But know this: the more powerful the tool, the more training and caution you need when learning to use it” (p. 201).18. “If you’ve caught the vision for a marriage that seeks first the kingdom of God, you need to be on the lookout for personality traits that will undermine such a focus” (p. 203).19. “Guys, if you marry a woman who is motivated by reverence for God over affection for you, she’ll learn to be kind to you and affectionate toward you even when she doesn’t feel like it and when you’re acting like a jerk. The same thing that feeds her chastity—love and respect for God—will feed sexual enthusiasm within marriage. The same thing that feeds promiscuity before marriage—selfishness and fear—will kill sexual desire after marriage” (pp. 210-11).
20. “Sex can indeed be amazing. It’s also a skill that can be learned, and that’s what marriage allows, so if the two of you aren’t “compatible” on your wedding night, you have a lifetime to get there.Two people who genuinely care for each other and who are growing in the virtues of kindness and generosity will figure out, sooner rather than later, how to please and keep on pleasing each other” (p. 187).
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